Hi everyone.
This is my first narrative post. I have hesitated in sharing my emotions because they have been all over the place. But today I think I have to let you know what I am feeling at this pivotal moment in my (and Caily’s) lives.
Last night we went out with the other families and I met the beautiful children they adopted 1.5 years ago. The reality of what I am about to embark on was very vivid when I came back. So I quietly went to bed with my personal journal for Caily and tried to put into words what I was thinking and hoping so she will always know how loved and wanted she is.
I realized as I was writing that my number one worry is for her. I can’t imagine how scary the next few months will be for her. Being pulled out of an environment she knows and thrust into the hands of a women she doesn’t know or trust. The poor little thing. I prayed that her anxiety won’t last long and that she’ll quickly come to trust me and my love for her.
I then thought about myself and my fears. You can’t imagine the number of people who have told me that ‘your life will change forever’; “say goodbye to sleep, fun, independence, peace and quiet, normalcy, predictability, control, etc”… I don’t’ know why people think this is helpful or funny, but it seems to be the way we wish new parents luck on their journey. Its strange. As for me, my main worry in all this is with the change in “peace.” Sleep – I get it. Fun – how can you call being around children not fun??? Quiet – we’ll see. Normalcy – what is that? Predictability and control – who on earth has this? If you do or you think you can, then you must be very stressed out trying to make this myth a reality.
Peace – now, that I know! I have worked very hard in the past few years to learn what this is and how to attain it within myself and surroundings. I have travelled the world learning different definitions and ways to attain it – if only fleetingly. I have been incredibly blessed to have found it and have gained some skills to keep its spark inside me and when the times come that I need to remember that this is why we are here, I’ve learned how to call on it to grow and show me. So when people tell me that being a mother will take this away, I worry. That is where my head was last night. But after writing to Caily about this, I realized that my job will now be to show her what peace looks and feels like. I will dedicate my life to helping this precious gift find her own peace so she can feel the joy and happiness that I do. What more can a mother really hope for a child?
I fell asleep not afraid, but excited with the challenge to find out where she is now – spiritually and emotionally. Then together we will work on creating an aura of peace and joy around “us” – so I’m no longer afraid of losing the independent life I’ve built for myself – I’m a bit worried about how long it will take her our energies to synchronize – but that is probably why I have learned the great lessons of patience, tolerance and faith. I will continue to let go and let powers that be guide our journey and trust that we will get where we need to be in due course. In the mean time I look forward to spending every day with Caily and learning to see the world through her eyes. What a gracious gift I am being given. I will honour, cherish and be grateful for it/her until the day I die.
And if I doubt it – I’ve memorized the serenity prayer and the Lord’s prayer. If you don’t know them, you may want to take a moment and read them – and really think about the words. They help me. J
OK – I better go and get breakfast. We leave in 30 minutes. It will take 2 hours to get to the orphanage.
Thank you for sharing this journey with us. We’ll keep you posted.
Siochan Leat! (Peace to you)
Xoxo
Jo
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